BY TED SANSON
The Grinch of OTT
Happy Monday, Trax Pack! Back to reality — the reality where your office chair is not so comfortable, your significant other is a few pounds overweight since beach season came to a screeching halt, your pumpkin spice coffee has too much pumpkin spice and not enough coffee (that’s what you get for drinking pumpkin spice coffee, dufus) and your half-special quarterback threw five interceptions yesterday in a crushing loss (but he’s got TWO Thuperbowls!).
Luckily you somehow meandered over to offthetraxradio.com, and your boy T is gonna set you straight and add some color to this melancholy and lifeless Day 1 of the struggle you call a work week. With Halloween in the rearview, Thanksgiving fast approaching and shitty Christmas music a nearly unavoidable phenomenon (we’ll get to that later), I give you the “Top 7 Reasons Why T Hates the Holidays.”
7. Mammouth crowds at the mall.
The mall is somewhere I avoid at all costs every month of the year, not just the holidays. But when the calendar hits November, the mall becomes a cesspool of human decadence — be it tech geeks flooding the Apple store like a tsunami, “tween” girls getting their first bra at Limited Too (first time for everything I guess), “hipsters” blocking doorways and just hanging out with headphones on their shoulders (who hangs out in a hallway?) and pretentious businesspeople power-strutting through the hallways with Starbucks in hand and Bluetooth on head. If you can’t already tell, I really love people. Navigating through the mall during the Chrismahanukwanzika season to get a shiny piece of jewelry for your mom or your lady friend is a more arduous task than crossing the ocean blue in 1492 was for Columbus. My solution? Stay the fuck away and shop online.
6. Sappy ABC Family/Hallmark movies that make me realize I DO have a soul.
You know what I’m talking about. The “Movie of the Week” on some low grade cable channel starring a once upon a time almost movie star that has fallen on hard times, I think Katherine Heigl, Melissa Joan Hart and Dean Cain fall in this category. Anywho, I encountered such a “film” last year when visiting my grandma (That’s right female readers, in addition to being very handsome I’m sweet like that). Basically a stuck up city slicking broad gets laid off by a prestigious financial firm, dumped by her thought-to-be perfect fiancee, and to her dismay she’s forced to work at her family’s Christmas tree lot just to make rent and not be evicted from her plush Manhattan apartment.
Initially, this snob is completely against helping her family because she’s embarrassed to be associated with rural upstate NY folk and has bad memories of working at the tree lot as a kid and sleeping in a trailer. Her mom pleads for her help because her father is very sick and they need the money — yep, very sappy indeed. She reluctantly agrees, but pouts, texts on the lot instead of greeting potential tree buyers, and wears heels to work because she “doesn’t wear sneakers” (welllllll excuse me, bitch. Sneakers are not only comfortable but extremely functional for things like Christmas tree fetching).
After a few days on the lot, this handsome gentleman keeps stopping by the tree lot without buying a tree, and finally the snob asks him what he’s doing. He approaches her all sly and Hugh Grant like (before the hookers) — in a manner much like T would — and says, “What am I doing? What are YOU doing? I see you standing here in heels errday, texting on your phone looking all miserable, and I know there’s a great girl in there….yada yada yada.”
She says, “I don’t do THIS….I’m helping out a friend. My headhunter could be calling me any minute. And if you wanna keep talking to me you better buy a tree.”
He motions behind her, where there’s a family looking for trees (No, not that kind of trees you degenerates). Her cousin is busy helping customers, so this entitled brat actually has to do something for once. With Prince Charming watching, the “Mean Girl” helps a little boy and his dad with a tree and in the process her heels snap and she falls to the ground.
The Theodore Sanson wannabe gives her one of those “I told you so” kinda smirks, lifts her up off the pavement and her transformation begins. The next day she returns to the lot in sneakers with a refreshed attitude, sells more trees than Snoop Dogg in high school, saves the family business and lives happily ever after with the charming Theo-lite. All the while I’m trying to leave or get my grandma to change the channel, but I’m glued to the screen and the black vacant space in my chest becomes full of love (is that a real thing?) and glee. Hours later I’m back to “Power Swiping” on Tinder, but hey….maybe there is hope.
5. Being reminded I stuck my tongue to a stop sign.
You’ve all seen “A Christmas Story.” Yeah, I did THAT. The year was 2003 and I was in eighth grade. After attending the girls basketball tournament with my buddies, I was standing outside in the cold waiting for my mom to pick me up (Remember those days?). It was two degrees below that day, and I was curious enough to stick my tongue to the stop sign at the end of the curb. Lemme tell yea, that shit works… I was STUCK. The intelligent law enforcement agency that is Hamburg Police attempted to yank me from the pole, to no avail. Skin started peeling from my tongue, blood pouring out of my mouth, but I’m still frozen solid to the pole. Passersby would honk and yell “I triple dog dare you” as I’m stuck to the stop sign, shivering, embarrassed and helpless. Eventually one of the firefighters — this guy must’ve been an Ivy league grad — suggested they try warm water. Just like that, I’m FREE! To this day people in the wonderful town of Hamburg, New Jersey know me for this moment (But I’d rather be known for that than being a drug addict, pregnant teen, or child molester, so it could be worse).
4. Unwelcome/unsolicited Happy/Merry texts from an ex.
Everybody has that one person they don’t really want to hear from — and there’s a reason why you no longer communicate. Sometimes, however, that person likes to pretend they care about you and send you a “Happy Thanksgiving/Merry Christmas/Happy New Year” text out of nowhere. Well, if you actually gave a shit about me, you’d still be in my life so save me the phony merrymaking and go back to life as usual.
3. The “state of your life” conversation with random family member you never see.
I think everyone can relate to this one. Someone not in your immediate family you see during a holiday gathering and they ask you, “So what are you doing with your life?” Well I’ll save you the time if you just read the OTT blog and I can spend my holiday eating and drinking my face off and ignoring you because we never talk anyway. So I’m 25, no I didn’t graduate, yeah I still live with my mom, it’s pathetic I’m aware. I’m single, too. But I do have this kick ass podcast and blog called “Off the Trax,” and if you don’t like it on social media or visit the site frequently you are dead to me. Ok, back to the football, egg nog and hanging with the people I do care about.
2. Non-stop Christmas music ALL THE TIME.
I think we all agree on this one. Christmas music should be limited to the week before Christmas and that’s it. Not two entire months of “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney. Even “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah gets old.
And the moment you’ve all been waiting for…..Number 1 (SPOILER ALERT!!!! If you are an under-12 member of the Trax Pack, stop reading NOW)!
1. Santa’s not real.
WAHHHHHH……Free gifts? Reindeer? A guy climbing through my chimney not to rob me but to give me free shit? Sign me up!!! How awesome would the holidays be if there were actually a fat jolly dude that lives in a mystical location up north that says “Ho, Ho, Ho!” and doesn’t get in trouble for it? Somewhere Don Imus is thinking, shit, I just shouldda told everyone I was Santa Claus.
Happy Holidays Trax pack, enjoy it! Because you know T certainly won’t.
Until next time.