By TED SANSON
The Founding Father
Before I get “Off the Trax”, allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is T and I’m the Founding Father of OTT. Think Jefferson, Washington, Franklin, Obama. This is the first installment of the “You’re Outta Touch, I’m Outta Time” column, mirroring the podcast segment in which I put a person or group of people on blast. Without further ado, this week’s victim is everyone’s favorite socialite Kim Kardashian.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock and surviving on a diet of Ramen noodles (YUM) and crack cocaine, you’ve probably seen the Kim Kardashian tailpipe pics by now. Being an ass man (that’s right round bottomed broads, get at me), I can always appreciate a well sculpted derriere. But to no one’s surprise, the pictures (much like everything else in Kim’s life) are a FAKE. A rep for Paper Magazine told TMZ this afternoon that NONE of the photos of Kim’s round-n-brown (that’s a website, check it out) caboose being circulated around the internet are authentic.
So before all of you mindless celebrity worshipping devotees credit Kim and say “she’s sooo perfect” or “OMG she looks so good for having a baby” (North West. LOL don’t even get me started) anyone and I mean ANYONE can look good with a little (that’s being generous) plastic surgery, photoshop, and enough grease to lube up the NYC subway system for a year. By the way Kim, the Rock called and he wants his bottle of baby oil back. But unlike Mrs. Yeezy, at least Dwayne has talent and worked to achieve his insane and AUTHENTIC physical stature. Sorry I got “Off the Trax” here, but this is MY platform and I’m always down to give a shoutout to my number one man crush, #ToolMove.
Getting back “On Trax” the larger epidemic here is the senseless celebrity reverence from the increasingly weak-minded populous. What exactly has Kim Kardashian done in her life to deserve all this attention and adulation?
Can she sing? Um, no.
Can she dance? Don’t think so, but man I’d love to see that ass jiggle – be it real or fake (if you can touch it, it’s real.)
Can she act? Doubt it, but she does have a reality – HAHA! – show with her equally vain, talentless and pathetic family who also utilizes plastic surgery and other nifty tricks to fool their low IQ fans into thinking they fit our societal archetype of “beauty.” However, I really do miss Lamar Odom and his game. The dude was a true point forward that can defend the 1-5 positions on the floor, but I’m sure he’s not missing Khloe and that F’d up grill she calls a face.
Sorry I got “Off the Trax” yet again, but who exactly can relate to a millionaire heiress who has never worked a real job or struggled to pay a bill? What in Kim’s life mirrors your struggle or exemplifies the human condition? Does Kim even know what “reality” is?
Now that I’ve relentlessly bashed everyone’s favorite talentless socialite since Lindsay Lohan went to rehab and Paris Hilton got old, let’s talk about what Kim has accomplished. I mean, she did put out a low quality sextape with so-called musician Ray J #CoolMove (that was mean, “Sexy Can I” is a classic joint. Maybe Chris will write a #Soundtrax on it. After viewing the sextape it’s hard to believe Kim was the inspiration for the song though, shorty must save her best moves for off camera lovin’.)
Kim’s prowess between the sheets and willingness to bare it all have really established her as a great role model for young independent American women looking to prove they can make it in this world without a man – NOT. To further my point, Kim’s crowning achievement in life to this point has been saddling up with one of the greatest emcees – and biggest sociopaths – of all time, Kanye West.
Here I go, getting “Off the Trax” again but it IS the name of the website and our podcast. I’d be remiss to point out how Kanye’s brilliant debut album “The College Dropout” was highly critical of vanity and consumerism. Fast forward a decade and Yeezy marries the world’s most attention-starved and self-reverent female since Marilyn Monroe, and his own mother died in the pursuit of physical perfection (Mrs. West died from complications of plastic surgery.)
In summation, Kim, Kanye, the entire Kardashian Klan and their fans are completely out of touch, and I’m out of time. It is clear these individuals spend life trying to achieve false ideals of beauty and acquiring immense wealth, and worshipping those who possess these qualities. Instead, these people should focus their efforts on admiring those with talent…..like Lamar Odom.
That’s it for this week’s edition of “You’re Outta Touch, I’m Outta Time”….Time for some good ole’ fashioned Clangin N’ Bangin…. Ya know, some squats. Sculpt my ass the RIGHT way, and get some drinks with the OTT Crew. Until next time Trax Pack, enjoy the weekend and stay away from Fireball….unless you like drinking AntiFreeze!